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[18 Mar 2008|05:37pm]
life is kindof crazy.
when you just let yourself go.
and not like the type of letting go
where you don't brush your teeth.
but the kind where you just open
up your eyes &heart.
and let there be room for something good to happen.

robert is great.
i feel so serious about him
&i am not scared.

bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh. i am dreading work.

might be applying at another salon.
well, i got the application.
we'll see.

hey, someone loves YOU.

[22 Feb 2008|11:21am]
wellllll. well.
1. my new roommate jackie
basically hates me this week.
-i lost her dog on a walk, because
he wiggled off his collar.
-&then she found him at the vet after
he got hit by a car. 500$ later. :/
-i fucked up her haircut &took


2. Bought the new Jack Johnson CD.
it's soooo good.

3. robert. *sigh* my little guy
that works at starbucks next door. i kindof feel smitten.
we've been spending EVERY waking moment together.
pedicures. walks. oh, ¬hing at all.
it's pretty adorable.
he is perfect for now
because... he rides his bicycle everywhere.
his laugh makes my ears bleed. he makes the most
crazy faces when i doo. he is hilarious. he is SOSOnice.
he is honest. and open. and anand. he kisses perfect.
PERFECT. &his body &eyes&teeth &NOSE are exactly what i like.
(shnozzzzz) we're different, but understanding is a beautiful thing.
it's the start. it's always so precious.
yesterday. he tried to explain chemistry
with every word besides it.. it was adorable.

he is out of control hyper &loud which i guess
some of my friends have found annoying.
but i find it motivating.
i've heard i'll get sick of him.
but..its like getting sick of myself in my shinanigans.
we'll see...

ben.d.lancaster [17 Feb 2008|09:28pm]
sundays. always mean ben.
ALWAYS. i can't stop
thinking about him.
i hope he's spying on me.
smiling. and giggling
on how silly this is.

i will believe in heaven
&god. &whatever the hell else
if it means i'd be able to
talk to him once again.

some people are so SO
rare and special.
nothing can change it.


[16 Feb 2008|11:25pm]
sometimes i am sure of the fact
that you don't care about me
and all you think about is yourself.
i hope i never make you feel
like you make me feel sometimes.
and if i do.. i hope i at least
realize it.


I have the most AMAZING client
named Gretchen. I did her hair one time
and she brought me a card with 20$ in it!
and thennnnn.
she came back like a few weeks ago
to get her hair done ago. &she was SO nice
and then this week she brought in a valentines.
.... i am so glad to know geniune/nice people
DO EXSIST. she inspires me. to do the same.

[16 Feb 2008|05:35pm]
ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude. and classless. so embarressed.
2. Kendra at my work is a fucking bitch.
and I am going to prove her wrong EVERY chance I get.
People like her... uh, she is a bitch. &that's the nicest
thing I can say about her, seriously.

[13 Feb 2008|03:46pm]
If I had boots made of gold on my feet
I'd sell them and run/hitchhike/fly
as far away as I could.
Not to escape the town or the people
or the memories...
but only in attempt to pass myself.
and be one step ahead of my mind for once.
I know this would only lead to failure
but it's nice to pretend.

Todays point is you leaving me for love.
Couples/Relationships/etc. really seem to
annoy me.
1. I hate girls that are CONSTANTLY desperate
to be with someone and feel empty without
They're right... they are worthless,
because they've chosen to have no worth.
2. When they turn into their partner.
This is the beauty of relationships, yes.
but I think people dive too deep.
Humans are so precious because we are
all so different in our ideas/habits/morals/etc
keep your own beat, because who wants to
date theirself. it sure as hell isn't the
person who feels empty by themself, right?
when you're next victim dumps you..
will you really enjoy (just an example)
japanese comic books? NO.
well, perhaps here &there. but you probably
won't have found your new passion at a comic
book convention (once again, just an example)
learning about your partners interests is
important. but only to a degree. don't steal
their passion. you have your own.. hopefully.
3. Be careful how often &who you talk shit to
about your partner. I mean it's probably
really easy to disclose your partner is a
slob &they have raunchy breathe, but did
you forget to mention they always make their bed or
that they floss? you can't really blame your
secretkeepers(er, friends) to think your
partner is a piece of shit when they only here
negative, right?
4. WHY must people leave all of their friends
the second they lure someone into dating them.
how can anyone think that is healthy!
plus, what are the friends... chopped liver?
perhaps, some friends think it's natural
to be thrown away, because they'd do the same..
what a horrible friendship.

Perhaps I am just being better because a "friend"
of mine said "hey, you wanna hang out tonight if
sdlkfjsd(the person they are dating) doesn't want
to hang out tonight?" ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.
yeah, sure i'll be your last resort. NO.
so, i say i have plans (oddly enough, i do)
&then i said i didn't like being plan B.
and the response was that we hung out a few days ago
.... she must think i am brain dead.
we hung out a few days ago when the person
she's dating was BUSY.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckthat, man.

[12 Feb 2008|10:51pm]
rubbing my eyes.
wishing i could rub away my mind.
my messy. tangled web.
or ideas &dreams. and more than
i can even grasp.
rubbing my eyes.
for escape.


sometimes. i whirlwind
i've been autopilot for days.
and i've neglected my mind.
i miss so much. i forget the present
until it's past &miss the past even more.

i need to escape this town.
who the fuck was i trying to fool.

i just wasted months proving myself.
to just say fuck it.
i am worth it.
i am rare. and beautiful.
and people are lucky to have me.
i am so good i can barely contain myself.
i have good intentions. almost always.
oh, i am not stuck on myself.
it's just. you know.
we don't ever give ourself enough credit.
i'll give my chubby little body credit.
i am fat.
fat is not a negative word.
it's like saying tall is a negative word.
i am fat &ok with it.
shallow people need not apply.
i feel so bad for girls who care.
and care for the purpose of other people.
vomiting or starving. or obsessing.
is that how you want to waste your life?
i eat TONS of good shit in the company
of some really great people most of my days
and it makes me beyond fulfilled.
if they can only see skin.
how do you expect them to ever dive deeper?

health is personal. believe it.

what the fuck do i know.

shoppping list. [21 Jan 2008|05:58pm]
soy milk.

fresh salad.


bottled water.

what the fuck, man.

[26 Dec 2007|11:10am]
 oh, life. 
you're tricky. 
and amazing. 
i am 21. 
i am happy. my mind is messy
but i can contain it. 
i am not smoking. 

boy is far behind. 
silent words on my special day
the caring ended. 
i am too much of a tornado. 
for a weather man. 
if that makes sense?
he can understand the weather. 
but he isn't the weather. 
so he doesn't really know?
too far, I know. 

work is better. 
i work full time. 
new tools. make me happy. 

moving soon with jackie. 
i lovelovelove her &delaney
and jared. 
they are my perfect circle currently. 


OHHHHHHHH. i don't know what else. 

i am still set on portland. 
more hearts are drifting there. 
and i want to be one. 

jess is talking too much for me to focus. 
shut up, stoopid.

life. [10 Dec 2007|07:56pm]
woah. how things have changed. 

i am moving december 31st. 
in somewhere (going apt. shopping tomorrow)
with jackie. 
new found friend. 
i adore her. she is so laid back. 
and nice. and REALLY good energy. 

plus, her girlfriend lives in california
so i wont have to deal with hearing her fuck at all hours. 
ahem. RUDE. 
not to mention she
1. turned down the temperature all the time
2. never replaced the paper towels
3. never did the dishes
4. NEVER took out the garbage. 
i'm over it. 
she is my friend. and i am civil. 
but. she is a very lazy person. 

i colored my hair today. 
i have an a-line that's reddish brown 
with random dark pieces. 
it's pretty cute/different (for me, at least)

the car situation may finally be finding some resolve. 
my step-dad called pissed tonight. he just found out. 
he'll fix it. :)
and i feel good i didnt have to go crying to him. 

uh, something REALLY scary happened recently 
in my family. like near death. 
so.. to prevent this from happening to me. 
i am going to the gyno. 
i am a strong. liberated girl. 
and i am not going to be unaware of any
problem that could hurt me and others. 
no babies, don't worry. 

i'm feeling lonely this season. 
i need someone near. 
and i have had the biggest reality check. 
from someone i value very very much. 

it's true what he says. 
i do run when things get rough
and to be with me. he needs to 
chase behind. and keep me 
or move the fuck out of the way. 
you know?
fuck, men. really. 

at a coffee shop. 
i love coffee. 
&soymilk inside.

ps. i can't drive in the snow
ps. buying a hello kitty toaster was a bad idea. 
ps. i'm 21 soon. 
ps i love you. 

christmas list. 
1. ae coat
2. scissors

AE coat is on the way. :))))

life is good over all. 
hope yours is too. 

i'm trying to keep my mind healthy
and hopefully everything else will fall into place.

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